i’m not here to look pretty
or grow a baby in my belly
i’m here to be a curious human
or whatever else i please  

•••

i wanted god to approve of me

                fer heaven

i wanted my father to protect me

                fer security

i wanted my brother to be proud of me

                fer confidence

i wanted my man to support me

                fer self-belief

by the time i got it,

                i had already given it to myself

                fer love

•••

i could see myself
living 100 different lifetimes
which can make the present
dizzying, full of half doubts

a cowgirl patrolling the ranch
finding simple joys in brushing
horses in the morning,
daily smells of campfire and hay
soaked in long hair

or a poet going in and out of
their inner world, always noticing and
making friends with city birds on walks

find a home in Istanbul drinking
dark tea and eating lots of mint
(i would imagine)
absorbing the centuries of history
among the slanted alleyways

but i choose to be here in
this city at this time
(with you)
carrying a dulled daydream
of what the future holds,
there is a certain magic in that

•••

my inner being

loves you

        but me

not so much

everyone’s doing the

best they can

        but you

could’ve tried harder

About the artist...

Maura McDanel is a Jill-of-all-trades: metal smith, poet, improvisor, story collector, co-founder of www.haynonnie.com. Hay Nonnie is her passion project that she started with one of her best friends in June 2016. It's a collection of true personal essays and host of funass monthly live shows. Find her performing at iO with Duchess, CIC with Proud Parents, or on Insta @themaurathemerrier

Want to see more of Maura’s work?

Check out her piece, Notes on Nostalgia, from Issue VII: Passing Notes!